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  • Rachelle Millar

A Mixed Bag of Emotions

If the levels aren't yoyoing, my emotions certainly are. I like certainty, with certainty I can plan. Without it, I am stuck in this place that has no meaning. It is a reality that is controlled by others. And I am triggered!


I sit here going through the motions with my teenage sons in awe of their adaptability. I would never had had that as a teen. I have to lead the way with a decision made for the team of 5 million. That is not my normal. I am not someone who lives in a space that follows like a sheep.



I have never been someone who says do as you are told!


And I absolutely have not got where I am today by following the rules.


The rules in my world keep me small... they stop me from being everything that I can possibly be. And they stop my kids too. Because my experience is that people in power have slowed down progress.


Name any organisation or successful business that has not pushed the boundaries of possibility?


I meet and see people or kids who have not followed the rules and they have not had to expend energy to fight what someone else says they cannot. I am a part of clubs and organisations that are all about making things easier for those involved to be better to exceed, but despite how amazing they are. There is a certain amount of social capital that can exist that stops that from happening.


For me, that makes me sad.


It is actually called bullying... but it is a subtle part of our society. It is something that takes a huge amount of courage to call out.


Because all of what I am saying takes emotional intelligence. And whilst us hard ass kiwis make amazing things happen we have to be cognoscente of how we do it.


That means, know what we think when we make things happen and know what we think when we don't make things happen.


So for example; put a team forward for a sports competition, enable people in the community to make a difference, or hold a boundary in a countrywide lockdown.


I really hear Jacinda question her leadership when she opened the borders to Australia. I hear her question how Delta got into the community every single day. I believe she really cares and has sleepless nights over this. That for me is huge. Her ability to be real about making a decision and following through. It is her transparency about the decisions made at government level that helps me have conversations with my teens at home level.


And the feeling that I can share my thoughts and questions.


It is not a hard and fast rule. These days. There is always conversation. Because no one believes that they have all he answers and if they did. Someone would give them a short sharp shove in the direction. The understanding that there is no one that has all the answers and we have to make decisions based on what information we have.


In evolution there was an understanding that men worry about making a decision, woman worry about making the right decision. In following the mammoth, for the hunter, they have to make a decision quickly. Making a decision quickly enables the hunter to achieve their aim and kill their prey. They may make the wrong decision and therefore meaning that no food is caught. But if they make no decision then there is no prey or food caught. Therefore, making a decision is key, letting go of a wrong decision is key. Men are better at making a decision. No matter how wrong it is.... because for them, they can change their mind.


Woman, whilst men think they change their minds so quickly actually don't. They are the the one's most often paralysed by analysis. Simply because of the premise I made earlier... that woman worry about making the right decision. Men, are focused on watching their woman and want what they want. If only it were that simple that everyone could read all of this.


Back to my hell of emotions going on. I want to really honour what is going on for many. For many who are questioning this and their part in it.


For who we are in this space and what we are wanting our children to make meaning of it?


Yes, what is the legacy that we leave?


When my mum said to me today that she felt I never forgave her for killing my mouse (Tiddle Mouse) Only 40 years later. She knew I had a thing that had worked it's way into my psyche. It was something that was going to change the way in which I trusted someone. It was something about being sent away to boarding school, and the inability to look after my animals or pets exactly how I felt they should be looked after.


In these days of the potential of the government taking me away from my pets & children. That if I had a positive covid test, there is no understanding of what would happen to the pets? What if all of us are removed to an MIQ. What if our pets died because no one cared enough to feed them??


What then??


You tell us to trust you, but really this is a mind fuck... we are not looked after. We may not have enough to feed our children, we may have to front up and say this is really hard. But you don't (govt) know about that. You don't really understand how hard it is for those in the middle, those who don't fit in this group or fit in that group, really how hard it actually is.


Kia Kaha all.... keep fighting... and somehow the one's in between... will really understand.



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