Search
  • Rachelle Millar

Can't Sleep?

Ever found yourself awake at 4 am in the morning? Yes? Then you are depressed or suffering from anxiety! Ahhh the magic pill to answer the question of how do I get a full nights sleep!


Wish it were that easy?


In fact you are getting more depressed thinking about having another shitty night sleep every single night. Maybe you are a one night crap sleep, next night good sleep because you are tired.


When did the concept of sleeping at night keep you up?


Up thinking about what you are supposed to be doing, when in reality your body, just ain't doing it! Now do you have anxiety about your lack of control to do something that everyone else is doing, EXCEPT YOU....sleeping!! And you are left lying awake about being awake in the middle of the night!


Who made up this reality??


What benchmark of my sleeping or awakeness or energy am I measuring myself against?


The one I made up? That one....the one that says, if I don't get to sleep now, I am going to be tired tomorrow. Why, because we have subscribed to another human phenomenon TIME. The time we should be awake and asleep.


Do you love the holidays, when sleeping and awaking are not on a schedule. Do you complain then?


No, it is only when everything has to conform to everyone else's schedule.


Really, is this perceived schedule working for you? Is it really?


Or is it that at particular times, you are going to make money.... hmmm what a paradigm and map for madness. So if I wake up at a particular time, I can turn up to work and earn money to feed myself, much of this in relationship to make myself feel better.


Am I happy? How do I judge and measure my happiness? Do I judge it based on how much money I make to be a part of the world in which (in reality) I created? So therefore do I judge my sleep based on how much sleep I have to function or succeed in the world in which I live?


Well, it all depends doesn't it on the goals that you make and what you want to achieve?


So I think about it, NYE is coming and many of us make resolutions or goals for the New Year. And even if we don't make goals, I notice myself looking to the calendar and marking dates of events for myself and my boys to attend equestrian events, surfing comps or rodeo's. It is all a rodeo isn't it!?


Do you know that a rodeo, wasn't initially about riding a bull for 8 seconds. It was a coming together of cowboys and cowgirls (and the girls were pretty damn skillful) to sell cattle, share their skills and knowledge of animal husbandry. It had a purpose, it wasn't a show that tormented animals, it was a space of education and livelihood. The 8 seconds (time didn't exist) didn't exist. And it served a purpose greater than what it has become now.


How did being judgmental become the most important thing in this world? How did judging someone else become a skill required to survive? The social med

ia of this age, shining the light on how amazing you are on centre stage or night. - Shakespeare's famous quote shouting at me from the sidelines - how many likes or loves that you receive, how many views you get.


And after a while, you seek comfort in those likes, no matter how irrelevant they are in reality (real life - like do you really talk to them, do they care when you need a friendly ear to listen to your woes and sad stories?) You or others may make decisions based on what they read into your answer or non answer, but SEEN shown on their profile. Yes, I hear my young lads pain as they try and navigate the wave of social media, "To Be Seen or not to Be Seen!"


Then there is the middle of the night and you are awake! Or so it seems to only you...but a friends profile shows them to be ACTIVE!! Ooohh - can you connect, can you converse. Or could you send a message and get tersely replies, I am sound asleep, can you not see my eyes? And you think? "Who is asleep, you lucky people you, who can subscribe to this rule of sleeping in the night!" How do you do it????


The notifications rain from friends from other places who do not have time zones, JUST LIKE ME! - they ding if allowed, but welcome to see. Be it in the morning or when we have light, it is encouraging you see, to maybe, just might... we have connection through time and space. That brings us together in this here (rat) human race.


So whom did decree? Lack of sleep can make us fall from disgrace.

That men and mice are moved to kill others and remove without a trace.


Simply because we could not fall into line.

The straight and narrow that is not divine.


So hold your head high and find some comfort.

And make up a reality and words you can lumpfort.


There are many that would hide in your place.

To have a daily fresh smile on their face.


So look at your 24/7 and make amendments that bring you to heaven!


So what are my goals for the 2021...to bring about one hell of a whole lot of fun.

The accolades and ribbons will not tell the tale of this gal and her happiness avail.


You see achieving success by a particular time, does not really end this spectacular rhyme.


Rachelle Millar 28 Dec 2020.


Just in case you cannot read between the lines, what I am saying, is - is this life that you cannot get enough sleep for, working for you?


And can you change your paradigm or map in which you have decided to live your life from working for you?


Could you change it? Could you live in a way that works for you? Not against you? And if it is a hard decision to make, how much are the people you are living your life with holding you to a map/model or paradigm that simply does not serve you, any more?


Making goals for 2021?


Mine are - ride my horse through an ODE.. don't lose my breath doing it. Handle my old injuries as if they don't exist, don't let them hold me back. Love my children and enable them to achieve everything that they want to be this year and find as many creative ways to make everything they dream of possible. Be as present as much as I can to my kids even if it means we don't make as much money as we really need. Being present to them is worth more in these times than the money I can make. Be loved and cherished for exactly who I am, make no apologies and don't hold back, let