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  • Writer's pictureRachelle Millar

Fast IN, Fast OUT

Updated: Aug 3, 2023

I hear these words echoing in my head, my heart! Falling in love comes with all the endorphins and oxytocin that make love blind. It is supposed to be that way. It keeps us all procreating and our human race alive.

A race though is not what it is meant to be. Competition in coupling is not the space that nurtures and grows. Competition has winners and losers.

Selling is fast, and negotiating slow is what the masters taught me. And for good reason. – it is a lesson in boundaries.

What else do I know?

You know how you have a shopping list, that you forgot when you went to the store and then you are turned on by all the bright lights and specials and suggestive fruit? That is good marketing. Anyone ever left the store with more than they could carry because they forgot their shopping bags and didn’t want to buy another one… the oranges roll away as you depart the store! (Eye roll)

Boundaries; this is something that you put forward as non-negotiable, and for every good reason. You can only have a boundary if you know what your needs are. Hence the shopping list.

When you step outside of the shopping list, or over your boundary. Which says that you are entering into the do I need that or want that… there is a lot of justification that goes on. Playing in your mind, sure I can reprioritise this, I can navigate and compromise on that…

Ever got those delish pieces home to find that they were not as important as you thought when you went to the store? The children didn’t like them, or the hubby wasn’t a fan?

What you thought would be a defining mark of a grand dinner party, fell short!

When I talk to my clients about negotiation, I say, write the shopping list…. And in the world of counselling… what are your needs?

I have needs?? This is often the first surprise!! I can have needs and ask for them to be met! Wow… really… a difficult concept to grasp.

Needs define our boundaries.

Working out what your needs are is hugely important. Navigating and negotiating your boundaries is only possible if you know what you need.

I was riding with a friend. We were discussing Tinder or dating in general, the act of putting yourself out there to invite a possibility. The one thing that we did discuss is what app does what? Does Tinder invite a relationship or a one-night stand? How are people using these apps?

Our preconceptions of these apps define how we use them. Or not. As the case may be.

Do we dare to find love in a hopeless place? My age has a lot to do with my conceived ideas about being online.

I digress, competition? Does this have a place?

No, relationships have to be working towards win/win – the act of working towards each other’s win. And, sure this is a whole lot of psycho-education or in my world corporate learning. But powerful either way.

What I and Jim Tamm would like to say is that Collaboration is key.

And loads of other maestros on the point of living in this way.

Working together, creating worlds together, side by side…

My need, is to be challenged to be everything that I am capable of being. When I rode with some friends this weekend. They took me there. They took me to the place that was outside my comfort zone. I knew that I could say no more and they would stand with me in that place. But would then say, yeah – I think you are overthinking far too much.

They were right.

Every time they looked back at me, it was, is she still smiling – they cared that I was enjoying it all.. they helped me be there…and I loved every minute of it. I was there… I could do it… I was on the edge. And I survived.

They pushed me, they challenged me… and they loved me at the same time.

So, find those friends, those relationships… find them as they make you whole.

And being whole and alive and alight is f… amazing!!

Thank you to those who take me there… I love you xx

And to round this off.... fast in, fast out... If you rush into a relationship, it is likely to become overwhelming, simply because you have not navigated or negotiated the boundaries in a way that works for you. So, the easiest thing is to leave it as fast as you established it.

Slow I say to my son.... slow down...we walk in with visibility all round and then we can talk about and negotiate what works in a way that keeps us ALIVE.

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